Scram Varmit

This one probably wouldn't have warranted a response, but for the use of the word scram.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Nintendo Wii - $200 

I'm looking for an mint condtion nintendo wii + all the orginal accesssories & box. If you have it, please email or text me at. 
(NO SCRAMS PLEASE) 

My response to the ad below:

Hello,

I saw your ad today on craigslist and I am interested in working something out.  I am currently in possession of near-mint Nintendo Wii.  I realize that you are currently looking for a mint console, but a corner of the box my Wiicame in is bent and the Styrofoam insert has been slightly damaged.  Otherwise the console is complete and in perfect shape.

When checking prices on used Wii's in Overstreet's Video Game Console Price Guide Monthly I was surprised to see the price of a used Wii in mint condition at $235 and a near-mint console priced at $205.  

I would like to work with you, but because of the above discrepancy I am worried that this may be a scram.  If it isn't a scram, then I would love to work with you.  If you're willing to pay the price from the price guide I would be happy to deliver the console to you.

Please let me know if you're interested and give me assurances that you are not trying to scram me.

Thanks for your time. 

WTF? ('F' stand for FUN!!)

I just can't figure out what is going on here:

Tar & Feathers

Looking for a quantity Tar, and Feathers. It appears to be a very large task, so don't think you can't help out with the small amount you may have on hand. 

I really want to know:

Hello,

I am responding to your post looking for Tar and Feathers.  While I have no tar, the duck farm I own does create a large amount of feathers.  I'm not sure how many pounds of feathers you'll be needing, but if you tell me the scale and scope of your project we could likely work something out.  What will you be using them for?

Thanks

Return of the Hulk

I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF A COMP. DESK & TV STAND!!!! 

Hello I am in desperate need of a Computer desk for our computer, and a T.v stand that would fit a big screen t.v. We cant afford much, & wouldn't be able to spend a whole lot on either items sorry. So we are looking to buy at a more reasonable price preferably free... I would really appreciate it if you would respond with pictures just so I can see what they look like please. Thanks for your time and looking! 

And my form letter response:

Hello, 

I am writing in response to your request for a desk and TV stand on craigslist.  The title of the post refers to a desperate situation, in this case the need for a computer desk and a stand for a big screen TV. 

I understand the issue is that you have a computer but no computer desk and a big screen TV, a luxury item, and nothing to set it on except the floor.

Let me help you out with something.  A little vocabulary lesson if you will.  Webster's defines "desperate" as:

1 a:  having lost hope  b: giving no ground for hope 2 a: moved by despair  b: involving or employing extreme measuresin an attempt to escape defeat or frustration 3: suffering extreme need or anxiety 4: involving extreme danger or possible disaster 5: of extreme intensity
So, in case you have trouble understanding the above, a desperate situation would include being on the edge of starvation, unable to feed your family, with no hope of aid.  A desperate situation would be living in a region where at any time you could be dragged out into the street and shot in the head for your beliefs, or just for entertainment.
You, you spoiled asshole, are not desperate.  You're a lame piece of shit who can't imagine life without a TV stand for your big screen TV.  You are what is wrong with this world.
Go fuck yourself.

Facials Are Funny

Wow. As originally seen on craigslist:

free Mary Kay facials

I am offering complimentary facials to girls over 18 or under 18 with consent of a parent, and of course" LADIES YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO BE A PART OF THE FUN! " I am a new consultant and new to this area, I am needing a lot of practice. So email me with your name and phone number to set up a time to pamper you and make you feel special! Thank you for your support!

What could I possibly say that would improve on this? Here's my attempt:

Hello,

I am responding to your ad placed on craigslist regarding free facials. I would like to receive one for myself, but unfortunately they only appear to be for women and I am male. I've seen several movies where facials were performed, but I've never been able to get anyone to give me one. At least not someone with any previous experience.

Would you be willing to give a male a facial as well? If it would help we could meet privately instead of holding a facial party.

Thanks

It Is The Size That Counts

I don't even know what to say about this. As originally seen on Craigslist:

PC's for sale

I have 3 7" PC's. 295.00 ea. + shipping

How does a person respond to that? I'll tell you how:

Hello,

I am interested in your 7" computers but I need more information. I understand that the PCs are 7", but in which direction. Are they 7" long, wide or thick, or are they cubes, with all sides measuring 7"? Are they 7" sqaure or in diameter. Like most PC buyers I am not concerned about the specifications of the device itself, just the exact size.

Thanks for your time

Thicker than a Wendy's Frosty:

Hello, thank you for inquiring, the followowing are the exact dimensions: 210mmx140mmx33mm thanks So I'll try again: Hello, I don't understand your email. I thought the PCs were 7", not 210mm. I don't know how to translate millimeters into inches. If you can't measure the PC in inches can you take pictures of it next to a standard sized object such as a loaf of bread, a toaster or a dozen eggs so I can better gauge the size of the PCs. Thank you This guy is impossible: Sorry, Just sold them, any ways they were 7x5x1.5. Thanks again One more try: So without specifications you sold 3 $300 7" PCs? Prove it! Who could possibly dumb enough not to understand that I was fucking with them? This guy: sorry, But this was some one who had contacted me much earlier, as I had an overwhelming response to this ad. Sometimes people think about it too long and others respond quicker. I usually would give up by now, but this guy is really pissing me off: 2 things: 1) You didn't prove it 2) You had an overwhelming response to an advertisement for PCs based soley on their size, with no specifications, etc? Do you take me for an idiot? Do you have anymore 7" PCs?

Very Special Cookies

This is just an experiment to see how far you can push a pot smoker before their paranoia puts them over the edge.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Cookies for bike work 

Hello - I've got a trek mountain bike that needs a tune-up and a seat change. I know absolutely zilch about bikes, but would like to make sure that mine is safe and rideable. In exchange, I am offering some delicious and *very special* oatmeal raisin cookies. These cookies will go for $5 a pop at festivals; let me know how many you think would be reasonable for your time. Thanks! 

Not OK response:

Hello,

I want to tell you I am considering flagging your post.  This is not funny.  The severely retarded are to be taken care of, not made into recipe components.

You are sick!!!

Where Have All The Baby Killers Gone

I looked all over trying to find the post the below was responding to.  No dice.  I think this is caused by a mental disease.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Wow, but you can kill babies - $1

You really must have a some consience, to lecture someone about what they do with THEIR dog, and yet there are people killing babies all day long! 

You've got things backwards!! 

P.S. Posts like this go in a different section! AND you can just REPLY to the person you want to lecture, instead of posting in the wrong section and clogging up craigslist. And, if you want to ask why I didn't just reply to you the right way, well I figured you might not get the hint. 

And as always, Agentkooper's response:

Hello,

I am responding to your advertisement asking for babies to be killed for $1.  I am a licensed baby removal technician with 14 years of experience.  Unfortunately, with the economy the way it is people in my profession have fallen on hard times.  While your offer of $1 per killed baby is much too low I would be happy to discuss my rates and special bulk pricing that I offer.

As an aside, I totally agree with you about the treatment of animals.  An animals rights and feelings are much more important than that of a person.  Hell, there are 6 billion of us.  The more people killing babies the better if you ask me!  Here, here!

Also, I apprieciate the fact you recognize posts like yours belong in a different section, if only craigslist would open up a gun for hire area of the site so clients can stop "clogging up craigslist".

I look forward to working with you!