Scram Varmit

This one probably wouldn't have warranted a response, but for the use of the word scram.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Nintendo Wii - $200 

I'm looking for an mint condtion nintendo wii + all the orginal accesssories & box. If you have it, please email or text me at. 
(NO SCRAMS PLEASE) 

My response to the ad below:

Hello,

I saw your ad today on craigslist and I am interested in working something out.  I am currently in possession of near-mint Nintendo Wii.  I realize that you are currently looking for a mint console, but a corner of the box my Wiicame in is bent and the Styrofoam insert has been slightly damaged.  Otherwise the console is complete and in perfect shape.

When checking prices on used Wii's in Overstreet's Video Game Console Price Guide Monthly I was surprised to see the price of a used Wii in mint condition at $235 and a near-mint console priced at $205.  

I would like to work with you, but because of the above discrepancy I am worried that this may be a scram.  If it isn't a scram, then I would love to work with you.  If you're willing to pay the price from the price guide I would be happy to deliver the console to you.

Please let me know if you're interested and give me assurances that you are not trying to scram me.

Thanks for your time. 

WTF? ('F' stand for FUN!!)

I just can't figure out what is going on here:

Tar & Feathers

Looking for a quantity Tar, and Feathers. It appears to be a very large task, so don't think you can't help out with the small amount you may have on hand. 

I really want to know:

Hello,

I am responding to your post looking for Tar and Feathers.  While I have no tar, the duck farm I own does create a large amount of feathers.  I'm not sure how many pounds of feathers you'll be needing, but if you tell me the scale and scope of your project we could likely work something out.  What will you be using them for?

Thanks

Return of the Hulk

I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF A COMP. DESK & TV STAND!!!! 

Hello I am in desperate need of a Computer desk for our computer, and a T.v stand that would fit a big screen t.v. We cant afford much, & wouldn't be able to spend a whole lot on either items sorry. So we are looking to buy at a more reasonable price preferably free... I would really appreciate it if you would respond with pictures just so I can see what they look like please. Thanks for your time and looking! 

And my form letter response:

Hello, 

I am writing in response to your request for a desk and TV stand on craigslist.  The title of the post refers to a desperate situation, in this case the need for a computer desk and a stand for a big screen TV. 

I understand the issue is that you have a computer but no computer desk and a big screen TV, a luxury item, and nothing to set it on except the floor.

Let me help you out with something.  A little vocabulary lesson if you will.  Webster's defines "desperate" as:

1 a:  having lost hope  b: giving no ground for hope 2 a: moved by despair  b: involving or employing extreme measuresin an attempt to escape defeat or frustration 3: suffering extreme need or anxiety 4: involving extreme danger or possible disaster 5: of extreme intensity
So, in case you have trouble understanding the above, a desperate situation would include being on the edge of starvation, unable to feed your family, with no hope of aid.  A desperate situation would be living in a region where at any time you could be dragged out into the street and shot in the head for your beliefs, or just for entertainment.
You, you spoiled asshole, are not desperate.  You're a lame piece of shit who can't imagine life without a TV stand for your big screen TV.  You are what is wrong with this world.
Go fuck yourself.

Facials Are Funny

Wow. As originally seen on craigslist:

free Mary Kay facials

I am offering complimentary facials to girls over 18 or under 18 with consent of a parent, and of course" LADIES YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME TO BE A PART OF THE FUN! " I am a new consultant and new to this area, I am needing a lot of practice. So email me with your name and phone number to set up a time to pamper you and make you feel special! Thank you for your support!

What could I possibly say that would improve on this? Here's my attempt:

Hello,

I am responding to your ad placed on craigslist regarding free facials. I would like to receive one for myself, but unfortunately they only appear to be for women and I am male. I've seen several movies where facials were performed, but I've never been able to get anyone to give me one. At least not someone with any previous experience.

Would you be willing to give a male a facial as well? If it would help we could meet privately instead of holding a facial party.

Thanks

It Is The Size That Counts

I don't even know what to say about this. As originally seen on Craigslist:

PC's for sale

I have 3 7" PC's. 295.00 ea. + shipping

How does a person respond to that? I'll tell you how:

Hello,

I am interested in your 7" computers but I need more information. I understand that the PCs are 7", but in which direction. Are they 7" long, wide or thick, or are they cubes, with all sides measuring 7"? Are they 7" sqaure or in diameter. Like most PC buyers I am not concerned about the specifications of the device itself, just the exact size.

Thanks for your time

Thicker than a Wendy's Frosty:

Hello, thank you for inquiring, the followowing are the exact dimensions: 210mmx140mmx33mm thanks So I'll try again: Hello, I don't understand your email. I thought the PCs were 7", not 210mm. I don't know how to translate millimeters into inches. If you can't measure the PC in inches can you take pictures of it next to a standard sized object such as a loaf of bread, a toaster or a dozen eggs so I can better gauge the size of the PCs. Thank you This guy is impossible: Sorry, Just sold them, any ways they were 7x5x1.5. Thanks again One more try: So without specifications you sold 3 $300 7" PCs? Prove it! Who could possibly dumb enough not to understand that I was fucking with them? This guy: sorry, But this was some one who had contacted me much earlier, as I had an overwhelming response to this ad. Sometimes people think about it too long and others respond quicker. I usually would give up by now, but this guy is really pissing me off: 2 things: 1) You didn't prove it 2) You had an overwhelming response to an advertisement for PCs based soley on their size, with no specifications, etc? Do you take me for an idiot? Do you have anymore 7" PCs?

Very Special Cookies

This is just an experiment to see how far you can push a pot smoker before their paranoia puts them over the edge.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Cookies for bike work 

Hello - I've got a trek mountain bike that needs a tune-up and a seat change. I know absolutely zilch about bikes, but would like to make sure that mine is safe and rideable. In exchange, I am offering some delicious and *very special* oatmeal raisin cookies. These cookies will go for $5 a pop at festivals; let me know how many you think would be reasonable for your time. Thanks! 

Not OK response:

Hello,

I want to tell you I am considering flagging your post.  This is not funny.  The severely retarded are to be taken care of, not made into recipe components.

You are sick!!!

Where Have All The Baby Killers Gone

I looked all over trying to find the post the below was responding to.  No dice.  I think this is caused by a mental disease.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Wow, but you can kill babies - $1

You really must have a some consience, to lecture someone about what they do with THEIR dog, and yet there are people killing babies all day long! 

You've got things backwards!! 

P.S. Posts like this go in a different section! AND you can just REPLY to the person you want to lecture, instead of posting in the wrong section and clogging up craigslist. And, if you want to ask why I didn't just reply to you the right way, well I figured you might not get the hint. 

And as always, Agentkooper's response:

Hello,

I am responding to your advertisement asking for babies to be killed for $1.  I am a licensed baby removal technician with 14 years of experience.  Unfortunately, with the economy the way it is people in my profession have fallen on hard times.  While your offer of $1 per killed baby is much too low I would be happy to discuss my rates and special bulk pricing that I offer.

As an aside, I totally agree with you about the treatment of animals.  An animals rights and feelings are much more important than that of a person.  Hell, there are 6 billion of us.  The more people killing babies the better if you ask me!  Here, here!

Also, I apprieciate the fact you recognize posts like yours belong in a different section, if only craigslist would open up a gun for hire area of the site so clients can stop "clogging up craigslist".

I look forward to working with you!

Agentkooper Hulks Out

This one just put me over the top.  As originally seen on craigslist:

Desperately need a Salilite Dish 

I only have 10 channels that come in now that I have the convertor box. I have no cableand no money, is there anyone who can give me a salalite dish? Thank you 

My response:

Hello, 

I am writing in response to your request for a satelite dish on craigslist.  The title of the post refers to a desperate situtaion, in this case the need for a satalite (I'm assuming that is what you are begging for, despite the word "Salilite" in your post title) dish.  

I understand the issue is that you have only ten channels and are looking for a free satalite dish in order to pick up more channels.

Let me help you out with something.  A little vocabulary lesson if you will.  Webster's defines "desperate" as:

1 a:  having lost hope  b: giving no ground for hope 2 a: moved by despair  b: involving or employing extreme measuresin an attempt to escape defeat or frustration 3: suffering extreme need or anxiety 4: involving extreme danger or possible disaster 5: of extreme intensity
So, in case you have trouble understanding the above, a desparate situation would include being on the edge of starvation, unable to feed your family, with no hope of aid.  A desperate situation would be living in a region where at any time you could be dragged out into the street and shot in the head for your beliefs, or just for entertainment.
You, you spoiled asshole, are not desperate.  You're a lame piece of shit who can't imagine life with only 10 channels.  You are what is wrong with this world.
Go fuck yourself.

Poop n Pee is all done with this shit!

Page after page of people begging for free stuff and then attaching strings to the giving (i.e. asking for a free car, but only if it's red) has finally forced Poop n Pee into action.  As origninally seen on craigslist:

Willing to beg so desperate (you deliver)

I would like a few million dollars, i see its okay to come here and post not such absurd requests, but down right disgusting selfish requests. Screw it, let me take the cake for you all. I work and hate my job and have never really not worked, so let me make you all feel better about yourselfs. 

I would like 1 million dollars no strings attached, no taxes, and nothing i owe in response. But like so many other requests, not only do i want 1 million cash, but i want to add an absurd twist to it, i want a beautiful naked woman to hand it to me in a He-man lunchbox (metal lunch box only mind you, and it must be in mint condition, i also get to keep the lunch box). 

Because if there is one thing i have realized from you beggars, be not only pathetic, but ungrateful, picky, and disgusting. 

P.s. the 1 million will get blown on hookers, drugs, video games and taco bell as i am desperate need to party. It might be life or death here if i dont! i will never work again but will go to church on sunday thank you in advance god bless. 


yes... i brought god into this to try and make you feel bad... GOD BLESS YOU 

A bunch of people gave Poop n Pee a big cheer:

Bravo... well said, you were waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy too kind, but good job

.....you have been nominated for "best of craigslist"......keep up the good work.......

ROFLMFAO !!!!!! I have wanted to post something like that for ever!!!!

Then some beggars who didn't find it funny got it flagged and removed.  Bitches have no sense of humor.

Three Red Lights = Profit

This might be the biggest asshole post I've ever seen.  The guy has something broken and wants to trade it for something that isn't broken.  See Below:

I need an xbox 360 console

I am in need of a working xbox 360 console. All I need is the console and one controller...(preferably wireless). I have an xbox 360 console but it has the three red rings and dont feel like shipping it out to get repairs, also I am out of reach right now to those who can repair the unit locally in Western Washington. If you want it I am willing to trade it with a lil cash on top for your working unit or just shoot me a cash offer for your working unit. You can txt me at ***-***-**** or email me. 

The freaking balls on that guy.  My response below:

Hello,

Who says Craigslist doesn't work?!  I've been looking all over for a broken Xbox 360 for months!  However, I need to know some info before I commit.  What is the date the console was manufactured (back of console)?  Has it been in for service before?  I've wanted a picture with a broken 360 forever!  I've had 3 of them and not one has broken.  What are the chances of that?!  How much cash do you need from me to trade your broken one for my working one?

Thanks

Fish Food for Thought

I totally love it when people get the joke.  As originally seen on Craigslist:

Full size fish baby swing 

In good condition. I have 2 of them and only keeping one. Runs fine may need some batteries for the mobile. Call ***-***-**** or email me

Of course I must respond:

Hello,

I am interested in your craigslist posting.  After an attack by a large predator my wife and all of our prospective children were killed except for my son Nemo.  I imagine he would fit well in your swing, but one of his appendages was damaged in the attack.  Would he still be able to use it?

Marlin

And then the kind of response I love:

You have way too much time on your hands:)

Well played, well played indeed!

Would a Foo by any other name...

This guy is great.  Not only is he illiterate he also demands not to be taken for a foo.  I usually remove the location tag, but it turns out Tacom doesn't exist.  I probably could have left his phone numbers on as well without any risk of them being correct.  His post:

forean money - $40 (tacom)

i have about 40 dollars in iragy money. and would like to find someone that collects it. ive allready checked what and how much it is. so dont try to play me for a foo. call james at ***-***-**** or ***-***-**** 

And my response to our friend the Harvard Grad:

Hello,

I am a foriegn currency collector and I am very interested in your Iragy money as I have never heard of this country, nor can I find a currency exchange rate listed anywhere.  Could you please send me a description of where the country is?

This guy got back to me right away with this enlightening information:

its iraq. and sorry about the spelling i did not have the money i front of me at the time. and its the one befor saddam took over. the one with out his face one it. i have 2 25,000 dinars. wich comes out to almost 40$

How could I possibly be a bigger asshole?  See below:

Are you kidding me?  Of course I'll take it for $40.  I don't want to be rude, but in your earlier post you asked people not to take you for a foo!  Did you know that Saddam had all the money printed before he was placed on it burned?  Those bills are incredibly rare.  I think they are worth several hundred, or even thousands of dollars, depending on condition!  You'd be a foo for selling it for $40, but I'll buy them for that price for sure!!

Here is his response:

can you meet me some where on canyon road today i really need the money. and thanks for telling me that,  call me at ***-***-**** im james

I should probably lay off now, he sound pretty desperate.  Nevermind:

I tried to im you, but there is no one named James on my friends list, but honestly, I'm beginning to worry that maybe this is a bad idea.  You seem desperate for the $40, very desperate.  I'm concerned that you are just going to turn around and buy a 40 rock or a case of Thunderbird.  I don't think I can give you cash with a clear conscience, but I will give you canned food in exchange for the Dinars.  I have an ample supply of water chestnuts and cream of mushroom soup cans.  

I just want to help.